Paisley Gilmour is an NCTJ-qualified journalist specialising in sex, relationships and all things LGBTQ+. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram. | Read More
For anyone who loves the idea of exciting sexual experiences but is a little awkward when it comes to doing it IRL (*raises hand*), BDSM and roleplay fantasy sex can feel intimidating. What if you have no ideas? What if you feel… well, stupid? What if your partner laughs at you? Sidenote: if they do, they’re trash. Luckily, like with any sex, roleplay fantasy sex requires a lot of emotional preparation and discussion before you actually do anything. Awkward people rejoice! I asked three sex experts for their valuable advice on how to roleplay during sex. They shared their tips for having the best, safest roleplay sex and gave some pretty unique fantasy and BDSM roleplay ideas.
How to safely incorporate BDSM roleplay and fantasy into partnered sex
Figure out what you want to get out of your roleplay fantasy sex
Before any actual BDSM or roleplay fantasy sex happens, you need to have a good old think about what you want to get out of the experience. It’s fine if at the start you don’t have a clear idea of roles, scenario or fantasy you want to act out. But identifying your own desires will help to inform how the roleplay unfolds (and alleviate some of the pressure/potential awkwardness).
Think about the power dynamic that most turns you on to help you figure out which specific roles you could try. If you’re not sure or are lacking imagination, don’t worry. Reading erotic fiction always helps me figure out my sexual fantasies – they’re often scenarios I’ve never considered myself. If the very thought of your partner bossing you around and telling you exactly what to do is arousing, Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert for Lovehoney, says submissive roles are ideal for you. Or, if the idea of playing roleplay games where you’re the one in charge turns you on, flip that around and take a more dominant role.
Talk about your roleplay fantasy sex ideas with your partner(s)
Next, explain your BDSM roleplay ideas and fantasies to your partner(s). Be specific, and tell them exactly what you want to happen during roleplay sex. Annabelle says that if they know exactly what you’re after, it’s easier to improvise around the ‘plot’ rather than just winging it – which could lead to both of you feeling uncomfortable and not fulfilling your desires.
Opening up to your partner(s) about your sexual fantasy can feel intimidating. If you’re feeling vulnerable and worried about how your partner will react, try framing it in the context of a dream. Annabelle says you phrasing it as, “I had a dream you were a police officer who handcuffed my hands behind my back and then had your way with me,” is a little easier for some to swallow than saying outright, “I want to have sex with a cop.”
Encourage your partner(s) to share their fantasies, too. It’s been proven that just thinking about sex boosts our sex drives. So think of this part as verbal foreplay…
Set your boundaries (and safe words)
Before any roleplay fantasy sex happens, you need to get your boundary setting skills down. To have the safest, most pleasurable roleplay fantasy sex, you need to tell your partner what your limits are. Is there anything you aren’t comfortable with? Like spanking, choking, being called certain words? Communicate this clearly to your partner, so they know exactly what your boundaries are.
Agreeing on safe words – that will help you communicate how you’re feeling and if you want any BDSM roleplay sex to stop – is key before you begin. Loads of experts recommend the ‘traffic light system’: ‘red’ when you want play to stop immediately, ‘amber’ when you want to pause or let your partner know you’re reaching your limit, and ‘green’ for when you’re loving what they’re doing and want more.
Safety always comes first, and author of the Consent Checklist zine and sex and relationships expert Dr Meg-John Barker says that if your partner struggles to communicate, it’s a good idea for them to get some support around this before playing any roleplay games or trying BDSM.
Plan your outfit, accessories and setting
The next step is all about preparing for your roleplay sex fantasy. Depending on which specific roleplay games you want to play, this might involve a costume and/or accessories. If it’s your first time and the idea of dressing up is nerve-racking, start small. Annabelle says this could be as simple and easy as adding small accessories like medical gloves (my personal fave), a stethoscope, or even just a hat, to set the scene. She also strongly advises only picking clothing or costumes you’ll feel physically comfortable in. This will take some pressure off and allow you to relax into the scene (and most importantly: have fun!)
If your BDSM roleplay ideas involve furniture or props, get them ready and place them nearby. You can dim the lights or light candles to create a more erotic atmosphere, too. These may seem like small touches, but they’ll do wonders in taking you (and your mind) out of your bedroom and into the scene and roles you’re playing.
Let the roleplay fantasy sex begin
Go forth and have the best, safest BDSM roleplay and fantasy sex of your lives. Don’t worry too much about exactly what you’re going to say when you’re in your roles. Just go with it and improvise (within your boundaries, obvs). Remember to relax. As Annabelle says, “If you get the giggles don’t worry – it’s meant to be fun, after all!”
Once you get going, you *must* keep checking in with yourself and your partner(s). Dr Barker has a really handy way of thinking about consent during BDSM and roleplay fantasy sex. They explain it like you’re going deeper down into water. Use a scale of 0-10 to explain how deep in the roleplay you’re feeling. If you or your partner feels too deep, encourage each other to come up to shallower waters so you can check in safely.
If it all gets a bit too much, encourage each other to breathe, feel your body and the room around you, to drink water and get some food. Roleplay fantasy sex can make you hungry!
BDSM and roleplay fantasy sex ideas
If you’re trying bondage for the first time and want an entry-level roleplay fantasy sex idea, play the roles of a police officer and arrestee (don’t forget the handcuffs, duh).
Strangers is one of the most basic but popular roleplay sex fantasies, so meet your partner at a bar and pretend to get to know each other for the first time. Getting a hotel is strongly advised.
Doctor and patient
This one’s a classic for a reason and can be as beginner or kinky as you like. It’s especially erotic if you have a medical fetish.
Hot celebrity couple
Always fancied someone famous and wondered what it would be like to have sex with them? Assuming the roles of a celebrity couple whose sex life you admire is one way to get *a lot* closer to them.
Vampire and mortal
Don’t ask me why, but vampires are sexy AF – always have been, always will be. Maybe it’s the whole nibbling the neck thing?
Werewolf and human
If you’ve ever read werewolf erotic fiction, you’ll know why this one made the list. Like the idea of being overpowered by a strong, hairy beast? Yeah, it’s a whole thing.
Owner and pet
You’ve probably heard of the puppy play, which is becoming more (mainstream) and popular than ever – I mean, the gear alone is super hot. Get on all fours, bark, growl, and have your partner take you for a walk.
Did you know you can incorporate roleplay into tantric massage?
If you’ve ever had a sexual fantasy involving a masseuse, the good news is tantric massage can very easily be worked into your roleplay. Annabelle says massage roleplay works best at the beginning of Tantric sex. She recommends taking it in turns to undress each other and massaging your partner’s erogenous zones as they’re uncovered.
Dr Mafe Peraza Godoy, clinical sexologist and founder of The Intimology Institute, says assuming a more dominant role during roleplay fantasy sex releases a lot of energy, as well as giving your trust to your partner. She suggests sitting in your partner’s lap, gazing deep into their eyes and synchronising breath while you take the time to really explore your partner’s body.
And if you’re looking for someone to live your masseuse roleplay fantasy IRL, book a Karma Tantric fantasy sensual massage.