A Lad's Guide: How To Get A Guaranteed Happy Ending Massage

A Lad’s Guide: How To Get A Guaranteed Happy Ending Massage

Brendan Fallow shares his expert knowledge on how to get a happy ending massage.

You’re lying face-down at the end of a sumptuous massage. Ohhh, you feel great. What a treat. What a gorgeous time. You’re a new person. But you know that there’s one thing that would make you feel even better; one little thing that would send you into a state of unparalleled bliss.
An infamous happy ending.

The happy ending is the golden snitch of the massage world: the elusive goal that brings everything shuddering to a beautiful halt. I can’t count the number of massages I’ve had across this wonderful world of ours, and I go into most of them secretly wondering whether they will end with one of those holy treats. People ask me, “Brendan, you dirty devil – are happy endings real?” I say, “Not only are they real, my friend, I can give you juicy tips on how to make them more likely to happen.”

How To Ask For A Happy Ending Massage

There are various rules that you need to be aware of before you shove open the doors of your nearest massage parlour and demand that they make you orgasm. You can’t do that. It’s frowned upon. Here are some guidelines…


  1. Don’t Explicitly Ask For A Happy Ending

    If it’s a regular massage parlour, don’t start by asking the therapist if it’s OK for them to give you a happy ending. They may well say no, and the rest of the massage will consequently be more awkward than a DJ set by Theresa May. Instead, treat it like any other social encounter: get a sense of how it’s going and only ask at the end if you’re confident that your masseuse a) won’t feel uncomfortable and b) isn’t a relative of yours.


  2. Always Carry Extra Cash

    If you are offered a happy ending, it will always cost a little more, unless you’re dealing with someone with incredibly bad business skills. Obviously you can’t expect the happy ending to be part and parcel of the massage unless you have agreed it in advance. It could be as little as £20 or as much as £100 and will obviously depend on how generous you’re feeling at the time. Always carry extra cash if and when the time comes (and you come shortly after).


  3. Respect The Masseuse’s Boundaries

    Never touch the masseuse. Being non-consensually touched by a complete stranger can be extremely intimidating for them and doing something so forward is a bad idea. You should always be guided by their signals and wait for confirmation from them that something is all right. If they want you to touch them, they will tell you.


  4. Use Subtle Language When Asking

    Use soft, coded language. Ask how relaxed you’ll be by the end of the massage; if your masseuse says “Completely relaxed” and you pick up a sense of euphemism in their voice, you may be on to something. Ask if you need to have the towel over you or not; you can be led by the responses you get. If the massage is entirely towel-free, your chances are looking pretty good.


  5. Don’t Impose Yourself On The Masseuse

    Don’t suddenly turn onto your back and make the masseuse uncomfortable by pointing at your erection (if you’re lucky enough to have got one by that point). Instead, tell them that you are able to tip generously if they make you happy. They will either get the message and give you exactly what you want or ignore the implication if it has made them feel awkward.


  6. Keep Your Composure Until You’re Sure

    Don’t get so horny that you start humping the table. You will look like a fool. The only way things will go your way is if you conduct yourself with a little decorum and handle your emotions like an adult. Remember that you are not a dog. The sight of you humping the table or thin air is likely to make anyone feel more warmly towards you. Instead it will be a sign that you have crossed a line and don’t know how to behave in this situation. You want to come across as far cooler than this.

Where To Get A Happy Ending Massage

Now that you’re equipped with tips from an expert – arguably the world’s leading expert on the subject – you’re probably wondering where you can go to get a coveted happy ending. This is where you take things into your own hands, as it were, even though hopefully it will be someone else taking things into their hands. There are places where you are far more likely to be escorted off the premises than given a handjob, so here are a few bits of advice on the establishments that might be more or less happy-ending-friendly than others.


  • Physical Therapist – 1% Chance

    It would take a pretty open-minded physical therapist to be happy to conclude a regular session with a handjob, however graciously it is requested. Unless you have reason to think otherwise, the numbers will not be in your favour in this scenario and you will be taking quite the risk by popping the question. You have roughly a 1% chance of getting what you’re after, I’m afraid.


  • High-End Spas And Hotels – 10% Chance

    Here, you may be more likely to be on holiday, the mood may be more relaxed rather than professional, and you may therefore be in with more of a chance. But, obviously, it will depend on the particular masseuse and your ability to charm them. Maybe one in ten times this will work.


  • Massage Services – 30% Chance

    Your chances aren’t hopeless here. A regular masseuse will know that people come to them with a glint in their eye and some extra cash in their wallet, and they may be keen to bend the rules a little bit by giving you a hand. Here I estimate you have a 30% chance of happiness.


  • Asian Massage Parlours – 60% Chance

    Well-known for having looser rules than traditional massage establishments, the Asian massage parlours the likes of which you see in Soho are far more likely to acquiesce to a cheeky request for a little something extra. Here, in my experience, you have a 60% chance of success.


  • Tantric Massage Services – 100% Chance

    Now we’re talking. This is where you can be guaranteed that your massage will conclude with a happy ending. With a tantric massage, regular massage rules do not apply and you can ask for a happy ending without fear of being blacklisted or chased out of the room. In other words, your chances are 100%.

Get A Guaranteed Happy Ending With Karma Tantric

And, of course, one of the places where you can experience this 100% guarantee of success is here at Karmic Tantric, one of the finest exponents of happy ending massages around. Here you needn’t worry about mixed messages or running out of the building clutching your clothes to your privates. Just lie back, relax, and have a great time. Click here for more information about our Happy Ending Massages.

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Brendan Fallow is normal guy that has taken it upon himself to venture into the world of tantra and tantric massage. His mission is to investigate these topics and provide a unique perspective to those of us who need the cold, hard facts about tantra. | Read More