Tatiana Aitken is a Tantra and Conscious Sexuality facilitator and practitioner. She has been leading workshops in the north east of England since 2015, and currently also offers individual tantric bodywork sessions. She has a wealth of experience in the field of human sexuality, having studied with different teachers and | Read More
Tantric sex is probably the most well known and media covered aspects of Tantra today. Even though it is only a very small part of what Tantra offers as a methodology, the hot topic of sex has certainly elevated it to the most talked about aspect of Tantra.
In this guide, I will explain exactly what is tantric sex, how it can benefit you and share a step-by-step guide on how to have tantric sex with your partner – including some beginners and advanced tantric sex positions and techniques.
You can use the contents menu to easily get to any sections of Tantric sex topics that you might want to jump straight to, otherwise, Enjoy!
What is Tantric Sex?
Tantric sex is a slow, mindful and sensual practice that can be a beautifully connecting and intimate experience to have with a partner. It takes a sex-positive view, honouring and celebrating the body. As the tantric tradition migrated to the modern-day West, tantric sex became a popular term, because it was a way of bringing more spirituality to sexuality.
In the West, Tantric sex is famous for mind-blowing tantric orgasms. This is because those who perform tantric sex are more connected to their own bodies, and those of their partners. Many sexual difficulties arise because of being out of touch with own, and partner’s, arousal rates. In our culture, men often get aroused quickly, ejaculate, and be ready for sleep. Women tend to take longer to get aroused but once they get there, they also stay aroused for longer. This dynamic can create much sexual disharmony.
In Tantra, men learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation, learning to have multiple orgasms without losing their erections. In turn, women open up to their multi-orgasmic capacity. Thus, the partners are able to sustain sexual activity together for much longer if they so desire. This often goes in what is called ‘peaks and valleys’: allowing sexual energy to rise and fall, sometimes moving from one orgasm to the next.
Benefits of Tantric Sex
- Learning to move sexual energy through the body: men are able to preserve energy and nutrients through practicing non-ejaculation
- Health benefits: prolonged love-making promotes the release of health-promoting hormones in the body
- Greater intimacy and connection with your partner: helps to create more open and fulfilling relationships
Setting The Scene
How to practice tantra can vary greatly. One suggestion is to create a special space before beginning any exploration. A few enhancements to please the senses can turn any room into a tantric temple in a short space of time. Creating a space which looks and feels different to normal can help to get into a calmer, more present state of mind. The tips below are a beginning, use them or make up your own – you can be infinitely creative!
- Use soft lighting: turn down the lights or light some candles
- Include smells you like: burn some aromatherapy oils or incense
- Put on relaxing music: background mantras, classical music or nature sounds
- Please the eye: include objects in the room which have meaning for you, such as photos or objects from nature
- Wake up the skin: silky sheets, feathers, and other objects that can be used to wake up the nerve endings can be a fun addition
- Something for the taste buds: having some light snacks of fruit in the space can enhance the senses and be a fun way to connect
How To Have Tantric Sex
After preparing the space, the lovers may want to prepare themselves before meeting in the Tantric temple they have created. Tantric sex often follows a number of steps, although these are a guide and don’t need to be done in this order. It is also fine to skip some steps, or add in ones that suit your preferences. Here is the step-by-step suggested guide:
- Prepare yourself: have a shower or a bath, and put on some beautiful clothes to suit the occasion.
- Connect with your partner: after entering the Tantric temple space, the lovers can connect with an eye gazing ritual, followed by a “Namaste” gesture, meaning “The divine in me sees the divine in you”. Partners may also choose to share what their intentions are for their time together.
- Waking up the senses: partners can choose to exchange a massage, cuddle, sensually stroke each other, kiss and slowly start to raise sexual energy.
- Peaks and valleys: partners can choose to play with sexual energy, raising it up and allowing it to come back down again, before repeating. Many orgasms can be enjoyed by both partners during this stage. Oral and penetrative sex can be experienced, although neither are the goal of the Union.
- Yab Yum: once a lot of sexual energy has been raised, the partners can sit in the classic Yab Yum position, enjoying feeling sexual energy flowing through their bodies. This can allow for bliss to be felt in the whole body, and can last for a long time.
- Afterglow: the partners can lie down together when they are ready, feeling the connection with each other.
- Closing: the partners can end with a “Namaste” before drawing the interaction to an ending.
Tantric Sex Positions & Techniques
Tantric sex can really be done in any position as it’s more about staying present and connected with yourself and your partner. If you’re making love consciously, you’re having tantric sex, and if you’re being consciously intimate with your partner, you are practicing tantric sex techniques! This said, below are some of the classic positions and techniques that are commonly found in this field:
The man sits cross-legged, with the woman sitting in his lap with her legs wrapped around him. The lingam can easily penetrate the yoni in this position, and the lovers are able to stay in this position for a long time if desired. This is a symbol of the unity of the masculine and feminine principles. In Buddhist Tantra, it is usually interpreted as wisdom and compassion. In Hinduism, the Yab-Yum position represents the masculine energy as consciousness, whilst the feminine aspect is the active part. It is common to see in the art of India, Tibet, Nepal and Bhutan – It is usually depicted as a female deity sitting in the lap of the male deity.
This is one of the most common positions in Tantra, and one that can be performed naked or fully clothed. Because the partners sit upright, this helps for sexual energy to move and circulate through their bodies, moving up through their chakras. These are energy centres found in the body and literally translate as “wheels”. The yab-yum can be a meditative practice, and a beautiful way for partners to connect, because they are easily able to look into each other’s eyes and kiss. When performed naked, the man’s lingam can penetrate the woman’s yoni. The lovers are able to stay in this position for hours if desired, building up to experiencing sexual ecstasy together.
Man On Top
This also known as the missionary position, is probably the most common and widespread sexual position in the world. In fact, the French refer to it as the ‘classical’ position. It is usually used by heterosexual couples, but can also be used by same-sex couples. One of the partners, usually the woman, lies on her back whilst the other partner, usually the man, penetrates her yoni with his lingam.
One of the benefits of this position is that it is easy for the partners to connect with eye contact and kissing, allowing for greater intimacy. Because similar parts of the body are touching in both lovers, this can have a harmonising effect on their energies. Some of the downsides are that the woman has less control over the depth and rhythm of the thrusts. When this position is performed in Tantra, the man would move mostly his pelvis, rather than moving his whole body for thrusting. This allows him to conserve energy and make love for longer.
Woman On Top
This is another widely practiced sexual position, in which the man lies down on his back, and the woman straddles him. She can either face toward or away from him. The benefit of this position for the woman is that she has much greater control over the depth, speed and rhythm of the thrusting. The benefit for the man is that it is easier for the man to relax his pelvic floor muscles. This can help him to have multiple orgasms and channel sexual energy through his body.
In an advanced version of this position, the woman would only use the muscles of her yoni to stimulate her lover’s lingam. Both the man and the woman are still, with the only movement coming from inside the yoni. This is an advanced technique which can take years to perfect. A great way to learn is by strengthening and tightening the yoni muscles with the use of a yoni egg. This is also beneficial for helping the woman increase the intensity of her orgasms.
This is another name for a penis massage. The lingam is a symbol of divine generative energy, and gets translated from Sanskrit as “shaft of light” or “distinguishing symbol”. In Tantra, the word lingam is often used instead of penis because of the positive connotations that the word carries. A lingam massage is usually part of a full body massage, which ends with the lingam. One difference in tantric massage is that often, practitioners do not offer the option of ejaculation for male clients. This is in order to keep sexual energy in the body, and to re-direct in inwards and upwards through the body.
A lingam massage can be an artful, pleasurable and delightful way to connect with your partner and raise sexual energy. Some good techniques are rubbing the lingam between two palms, the “corckscrew”, in which the lingam is twisted as the hand moves from the shaft to the head, and slow and sensual exploration throughout. A lingam massage can also be performed for healing purposes, for example, it can be beneficial for those who suffer from erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. It is recommended that this type of lingam massage is only be performed by qualified professionals.
This is another name for a vulva and vagina massage, and can be just external, or it can also involve internal touch. When translated from Sanskrit, the word yoni means “sacred space” or “source of all life”. A yoni massage is usually the last part of a full-body massage. It can be performed only for pleasure, or it can be performed for healing purposes. Many women experience pain in the yoni, and a professional massage by a qualified practitioner can help for more pleasure to come back to the area.
When performed with a partner, a yoni massage is a great way to connect and to help build arousal in the woman. Some good techniques include slowly exploring the outer lips, inner lips and clitoris, making vibrating movements on the g-spot, and stroking around the entrance to the yoni. Most of the nerve endings in the yoni are close to the entrance, so it is a good idea to devote plenty of time to shallow touch, before penetrating more deeply.
This is something which can be done solo or with a partner. A good way to learn is to start to practice on your own first, by following the Microcosmic Orbit practice described above. When practicing energy circulation with a partner, one additional technique that can be used is to move your hands over your lover’s body, to help that energy to spread, whilst practicing slow and deep breathing.
A wonderful way to practice is to sit in the Yab-Yum position, with the man’s lingam inside the woman’s yoni. Both partners can clench their pelvic floor muscles together as they breathe in together, visualising energy travelling up through their bodies. They can then unclench as they breathe out. Kissing whilst doing this can be a more advanced technique, as it enables the energy to circulate through their bodies when their tongues are touching. One breathes in whilst the other breathes out, and vice versa.
The 9 Steps Taoist Thrusting Method
A recommended position is for the woman to lie on a raised surface, so the man can stand in front of her. The man starts by making nine shallow strokes into the Yoni, followed by one deep one. This continues with eight shallow and two deep, seven shallow and three deep, until he gets to just one shallow and nine deep thrusts. After this, the man would do the same in reverse order, starting with one shallow and nine deep thrusts, and ending with nine shallow and one deep thrust.
The benefit of this method is that it can help the man to gradually increase the threshold for ejaculation, allowing him to make love for longer. This method also helps to stimulate more nerves inside the yoni, as many nerve endings are situated near the entrance. The shallow thrusts in particular help the woman to increase her sexual pleasure.
Tantric Breathing Exercises
Most people in our culture breathe in a way that is fast and shallow, whilst not paying much attention to it. In tantra, breath is one of the cornerstones, and is often deep and slow. It is done with great awareness. Focusing on the breath allows lovers to stay present with each other, allowing for greater intimacy. With more advanced practice, lovers can use the breath to circulate energy through their bodies, allowing blissful states to be reached.
Deep Abdominal Breath
Place one hand over the abdominal area, and focus your attention there. Breathe out through the mouth first, whilst pushing the air out using the diaphragm and the abdominal muscles. Be careful not to overdo it, only pushing to the level that is comfortable. Once all of the air has gone, allow the in-breath to happen automatically through the nose. Breathing in this way will allow for deeper breathing. This relaxes the body, oxygenates the blood, and helps to purify the body by removing toxins.
Microcosmic Orbit Circular Breath
Locate your pelvic floor muscles. These are the muscles that you would use to stop yourself in mid-flow of having a wee. Once you’ve found the ‘love muscles’, clench them as you breathe in, and visualise energy travelling up from your perineum, up the spine to the top of the head, and down to the top lip. As you unclench, breathe out, and visualise the breath moving down the front of your body back to where you started. Keep your tongue on the roof of your mouth. This is a Taoist practice which is called the Microcosmic Orbit. It helps to create the energy pathway in the body for sexual energy to travel up from the genitals. Another benefit is that regular practice helps to strengthen the pelvic floor.
In Tantra, lovers are able to achieve greater control over their arousal rate, and can choose what to do with it. For example, they can choose to let arousal drop, moving into a ‘valley’, or to allow it to build, moving up to a ‘peak’. Once a peak is reached, men can choose to ejaculate, have an orgasm without ejaculation, or let the energy subside somewhat before continuing. Women can also choose to have an orgasm, or let the energy subside.
Both partners can also choose to transmute the energy. This means moving the energy from the genitals and up through the body. In this way, orgasmic sensations can be felt in other parts of the body, without the need to have a genital orgasm. These types of orgasms are called energy orgasms. One great way to learn to have better control over orgasms is to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles with regular exercises.
Consider Tantric Massage
Tantric massage, a modern form of tantra , is much more than just sex, and is an art in itself. Karma Tantric have a range of trained tantric massage specialists to help you on your journey of exploration in this field. The practitioners come with a wealth of knowledge and experience of tantric massage, and are able to tailor their offering to suit each individual client’s requirements. To find out more about our tantric massages please read this article: Choosing The Right Karma Tantric Massage Experience For You.